Sues Suck
by naonaonao
Summary: The tale of MariaSusan Clennenford, the most perfect girl in the world! Rated for very mild language. [oneshot] [Mary Sue parody]


Hey guys. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be finishing my OTHER stories. Don't worry, I'm going to do chapter three of Kana Con after this, but the others have to wait until August. Sorry!

I'd just like to point out that Mary Sues are the most evil Fanfiction characters. Ever. And that I know, I've done another Mary Sue parody in the past, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to make a Fullmetal Alchemist one, too.

These things are soooo cliché.

Enjoy.

--Doko.

 Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker! 

Maria-Susan was used to having large amounts of men stare at her as she walked out in public. Of course, she couldn't blame them; Maria-Susan was the absolute definition of beautiful.

Her hair was a dazzling red color, and naturally straight. It was long and she kept it in perfect condition—not a split-end in sight! Her eyes were intense blue, surrounded by beautiful, dark, long eyelashes. Her skin was fair, but nonetheless, completely flawless. She was tall and thin, with curves in all the right places.

To go wonderfully with her lovely appearance, Maria-Susan had the most amazing fashion sense. Her attire consisted of a short, black skirt that showed off her excellent legs. Her shirt was a tight, dark red, sexy halter-top with white polka dots. Her gloves were white, but she removed them from time to time to show off her beautifully filed nails. She also wore black boots, adding to the gracefulness of her walk.

Not only was her appearance completely stunning, but Maria-Susan had a winning personality to match. She was nice to everyone she met, but spoke up for what she believed in when the time was right. She was able to see things from everyone's point of view, not just her own. She was kind and caring to those in need, and donated whatever money she had to charity. She was also very intelligent, technically a genious, seeing as how high up her IQ went!

On top of all that, Maria-Susan was wonderfully talented at sports, art, writing, debate, counseling, cosmetics, and ALCHEMY! Yes, Maria-Susan had become a State Alchemist at age fourteen, making her the second-youngest one in the military. She was able to defeat any enemy in a single blow, but knew when to restrain her powers, since her tender, caring heart wasn't able to handle to see people in too much pain, no matter what kind of evil work they had done. To add to all of that, she was able to use Alchemy without a transmutation circle!

Unfortunately, Maria-Susan had experienced a very tragic past. Her father had abused her and her sisters for hours on end, until her mother had finally killed herself; she wasn't able to see her children in so much pain! Maria-Susan's father had run away after that, never to be seen again. This left Maria-Susan and her two less beautiful and talented, younger sisters, Gertrude and Penelope.

Maria-Susan was left to care for her siblings, but felt the reward of their lives was worth it. The three sisters loved each other tremendously, and promised that they would stick together, no matter what! Unfortunately, Gertrude and Penelope were both killed in a fire, leaving Maria-Susan alone in the world. How freaking cliché.

It was then when Maria-Susan improved her already-amazing Alchemy skills and began working for the state, which she also felt was rewarding. The pay that she hadn't used on rent in her apartment was given, of course, to charity.

 Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker! 

Maria-Susan's first day at Central HQ was wonderful indeed; she had many of the men there, despite the fact that they were over ten years her senior, staring at her with hearts replacing their eye-sockets. Maria-Susan was used to this by now, and had learned to enjoy the attention given to her.

Knocking on the door of Colonel Roy Mustang, Maria-Susan called in an alluring, charming voice, "This is Maria-Susan Clennenford. May I come in?" Wow, what a sucky last name.

After hearing Roy's confirmation, Maria-Susan entered. Roy took one look at her and smiled. "Why hello there. The Violet Alchemist, I assume?"

"That's correct," Maria-Susan answered. She had been given that name on account of her purple-colored alchemic light given off whenever she transmuted an object.

"Ah. I see." Roy responded, looking at a small bit of paperwork. "Your file is quite impressive. I see you've traveled?"

"Yes, I have. I've traveled to most countries, actually." Maria-Susan admitted. "But it isn't that big a deal." She added modestly.

"Ah, but it is. It's very remarkable, actually." Roy corrected, his voice smooth. "Now, I have an assignment for you."

"Yes? What is it?" Maria-Susan asked eagerly. She couldn't believe it! A real mission! Oh, joy!

"Another subordinate of mine, Fullmetal, also a State Alchemist, has been reported missing for the last few days. He travels, much like you, resulting in the inconvenience on my part, since it's difficult to reach him that way." Roy informed her.

"I'm unable to cut off his bank account so he calls _me_, but I am unable to do so, since last time ended up rather tragically." He continued. "I'd like you to locate him for me. He was last seen in Cahier, a small town out East. Don't worry; he shouldn't be hard to find. Just ask around."

"Yes sir!" Maria-Susan agreed enthusiastically. "Could you describe his appearance for me?"

"Certainly." Roy replied, smiling. "149.9 centimeters. Blond hair, most likely pulled into a braid. Golden eyes. Red cloak, black clothes underneath. Traveling with a seven-foot suit of armor."

"He shouldn't be hard to find, then!" Maria-Susan said with a laugh.

"Exactly," Roy agreed. "Well, I don't want to hold you up any longer. Here's my number if you'd like to call me." He handed her a small card. "Just in case."

"Thank you, Sir." Maria-Susan responded politely, ending in a bow. "I'll find Fullmetal for you as soon as possible."

Roy nodded. "Dismissed.

 Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker! 

After traveling for long, countless days (coughFIVEHOURScough), Maria-Susan had boarded her train. There she met quite a few young men, all asking her to be theirs. She politely apologized and declined to each of them; she was awaiting love at first sight.

Her train arrived in Cahier only two hours later, and Maria-Susan exited gracefully, with an immense tip towards the engineer.

She asked at the hotel first, heads turning as she walked inside. "Excuse me," She politely interrupted the receptionist. "Have you seen a small boy, red jacket, blond hair in a braid?"

Since her description was so wonderful and accurate, the man nodded instantly. "Yeah, they checked out a day ago. Said they were headed north."

"Would you happen to know how far north they went?"

"Not too far, I'd say. The armor-kid said Colline; there was a lead on the something-or-other stone there."

"Thank you, sir." Maria-Susan thanked him (duh), and walked to the train station. She calculated the amount of time it would take her train to get to Colline, and then boarded said transportation.

A few hours later, Maria-Susan arrived. The town was somewhat luxurious. Perfect for a vacation! Maria-Susan had more than enough money for a hotel, having inherited her family's money and all.

As she was about to check in at the Colline Suites, Maria-Susan spotted something in the lobby. As she stealthily approached the area and got a closer look, Maria-Susan noticed that these two boys fit Colonel Mustang's description perfectly!

Sleeping on the couch was the small, blond boy and next to him was the suit of armor, strangely staring ahead. Maria glanced at the clock. It was after midnight! Maria-Susan didn't need to sleep nearly as much as the others, since her metabolism was super fast, beyond scientific explanation, so she hadn't noticed how late it had gotten.

Maria-Susan gently nudged the blond one, getting a bit harder every time she repeated said action, until he finally woke up. His golden eyes boring into her sapphire ones, Maria-Susan believed it was love at first sight!

"Who…the hell're you?" He asked, obviously irritated, having been woken up from his (less than pleasant) slumber.

"Maria-Susan Clennenford, The Violet Alchemist." Maria-Susan answered. "But you can call me Mary-Sue for short." She paused. "And I'm assuming you're Edward?" She asked, even though Roy had never mentioned the boy's first name.

"Yeah. But that doesn't give you any right to wake me up!" He exclaimed, oblivious to Maria-Susan's stunning beauty and personality. Was it even possible?! Obviously.

"I suppose not, but The Colonel asked me to find you—"

"Him again," Edward interrupted. "God, he can't give me a break for ONCE…" he mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I understand how you feel." Maria-Susan claimed. I can't get her name right to save my life. Maria-Rose, Maria-Sue, Maria... Geez.

"You don't know the half of it," Edward replied oh-so-angstily.

"I'm sure," Maria-Susan said again. "Anyway, that isn't why I'm here. I'm just following orders is all." She was surprised that he hadn't even done so much as _looked _her amazingly perfect body.

"…could it wait till morning?" Edward asked, yawning before he could finish the last word.

"…" Maria-Sue, for once in her life, had nothing to say. Yet. Edward remained silent as well. All he wanted to do was _sleep_.

The armor hadn't said anything. Little did Maria-Susan know that his actual name was ALPHONSE and he was just deep in thought, since he doesn't actually have to sleep. DUH.

"You're hot." Maria-Susan commented at last. _'Oh my, did that just come out of my mouth?' _She thought. _'Oh well, since I'm so stunningly gorgeous, sweet, smart, and modest, he won't be able to resist!'_

But, surprisingly, all Edward did was back away. Slowly. He tapped on the armor and said, "C'mon, Al, we're getting out of here."

Suddenly, Maria-Susan felt something that she had never felt before. Rejected. She didn't even know if that word was in her vocabulary! But, apparently, it was now. A boy didn't like her. Didn't think she was amazing. Her world was ending, coming down on her. Maria-Susan's heart was breaking in two.

The next thing she felt was her body changing. Not in THAT way, you perverts! No, in fact, it wasn't getting more beautiful. She was getting…getting…UGLIER!

Maria-Susan's perfect, straight hair suddenly became greasy, and split-ends developed more quickly than you could say "Mary-Sues SUCK!". Her pores opened up, and she developed an unimaginably awful case of acne. A unibrow began to develop. She lost her curves, and her white, shiny teeth became yellow and crooked. She shrunk, so her body was less proportional. Worst of all, her clothes became less fashionable, in fact, they CLASHED!

"HOW COULD YOU NOT FIND ME COMPLETELY GORGEOUS?!" She exploded.

For the first time, Edward looked at the girl. "…I don't think anybody could." He responded. If you hadn't noticed, Edward doesn't pay too much attention to girls. He's too busy with El Stone. No idea where that came from.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU'RE SO INCONSIDERATE!! AHHHHHHH!!!" Maria-Susan screamed.

A large, muscular man entered the lobby. He was wearing a black shirt that read "SECURITY".

"You're disturbing the guests." He said. "I think you'll have to leave."

"NO!" Maria-Susan refused. She can't turn the Caps Lock key off.

"Suit yourself." The man said. He picked her up and threw her out of the hotel, where she un-gracefully landed in a pile of garbage. "I HATE EVERYONE!!" She announced. "I HOPE THE WORLD EXPLODES!" Woah. Angst, much?

Then Edward transmuted her into a fish and fed her to Al's cats.

**THE END.**

 Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker!  -  Whisker! 

Okay, I almost threw up while writing the first half of the story, despite how much it sucks. Review?

Thanks.

(I know, the whole fish thing MAY have been a bit rude/OOC, but it seemed somewhat appropriate. Of course, I wasn't the one to choose the ending. That was Kachi. XDDD She was all "Let me write the last setence!" and I'm like "...sure". Of course, I really didn't need to tell you that, did I? Oh well, too late now.)

--Doko.


End file.
